Blog all of May: Day 20 Getting Real

Day 20: Getting real about what I'm struggling with...

This is hard for me to pick one topic. I feel like I'm struggling with a lot of things these days.

I struggle with my weight, I have struggled with it most of my life. While this is the least I have weighed since I had Haylie it makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to pass my own body image issues on to Haylie. I want to be healthy, not necessarily skinny, just healthy. But I find it hard to do what I know I need to do. It's a matter of getting my head in the game and not getting discouraged.

I struggle with how to raise my children. Am I being too strict? Not strict enough? Am I crushing their little spirits ? How do I teach them respect and patience.

I find my self losing my patience quickly and honestly it's not even something they are doing. It's me, I'm losing patience with myself. Why can't I be better? Go to church more, exercise, do more projects with the kids, help more people, make money to help with bills, have more patience with the kids, be a better wife to my husband, keep the house cleaner and the laundry up to date, help my family more etc. etc.

I struggle with the feeling of losing my identity. This is going to sound terrible. But I sometimes feel like my role as a mother and wife have smothered my individuality as a normal woman. I don't have time to enjoy painting or reading or even listen to the music I really like (because I would want to listen to it as loud as possible and that is not appropriate for children). I can't really start working on becoming a doula because it is more important that I be home with the kids while they are young and need me. I can't really do any of the art endeavors I would like to do because most of my time is spent cleaning, changing diapers and trying to keep everything else together. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and my husband more than life it's self. I just feel as if my tank is a little empty these days, and I'm running on vapors. In a little bit a funk and not really sure how to pull myself out. I'm good at helping other people get out of theirs, why can't I help my self ?