Whew.... We survived the whole day

I hardly slept last night. I was so anxious about Haylie going for a full day. I did mention that I am not ready for that right?! 

Well we survived the first day! Yay!

She not only survived but was thrilled (even with the rain on and off all day). It might have made a difference that she got to ride to and from school with her BFF.

I even managed to survive. I also managed to clean the kitchen, the family room, organize some toys. Send some important emails, read a chapter in a book I've been trying to read for two months. Did a little shopping. And still managed a tiny nap with Scott and Clayton before we went to pick Haylie up from school.

Out of everyone Clayton had the hardest time with it. He cried and screamed when she got out of the van this morning (and continued for at least 15 minutes). Then again around 1pm he had a complete melt down because he just wanted to "play with sister at the park".

And apparently I think I have my shiz together enough that I have even discussed doing a side job.... Hmmmm maybe a little soon. 

But here's to hopefully getting some sleep tonight. I have a long list of little (and big) projects that I have been putting off all summer.  So nighty night sleep  tight.

Ack!! a start to the new school year... and hopefully a new me

I am not ready for this at all. My oldest is going into first grade tomorrow which means I will be without her during the whole day. I thoroughly enjoyed kindergarten. She was gone long enough for her and her brothers to enjoy each other again when she got home. This is going to be quite the adjustment for us all. I am going to miss her something desperate.

To top it off I'm expecting our 4th bundle of joy, due January 23rd. Which we just found out will be another girl. So in an effort to save to my (and my families) sanity. I have decided that it is time to get my shiz together.

This pregnancy has been different than the others. And before you think it I am fully aware that each pregnancy is different. But for me this had been challenging on a mental and emotional level. I could feel myself pulling back from everyone and everything. No matter what I tried I couldn't stop my self. So while going through this mental and emotional upheaval I have realized a few things (nothing new I am sure). So I'm going to try and blog my way through this next school year and see if that helps me focus and clarify my new-to-me findings.

So here are my thoughts randomly.

1. I do not take care of ME. Most days it takes most of my will power to just keep the kids fed and alive. I rarely spend time anymore doing my hair, make up or for that matter getting dressed (I'm not talking about I'm-going-out-on-the-town kind of prep, I'm talking yes-i-am-a-functioning-adult-and-not-the-walking-dead-even-though-i-feel-like-it kind of prep).

2. I don't eat well. Let's face it, this is a totally up to your definition of "eating well". When I say it I mean. I don't eat consistently. In fact I rarely eat breakfast or lunch. Most of the time I don't eat a real dinner either. Which is detrimental for many reasons. But mostly it causes what my husband lovingly calls the "hangry" syndrome (where you are angry because you are hungry). It also causes me to feel even more nauseated and light headed (duh) than if I had eaten.

3. I don't feel like myself. Like I have forgotten who I am because I am consumed with taking care of these little people. No one tells you when you start having kids that you don't have to loose all of your interests. I noticed during a conversation with an old friend the other day that I have stopped a number of things in my life that I feel are an actual part of what makes me... ME. I'm not saying that your priority should be solely those things or just your children. But that I should be able to incorporate them in with my kids. Like music and art.

4. That as much as I hate to admit it. I NEED to be put on a schedule. My poor hormonally driven pregnancy brain is not equipped to remember the little things and I need to start implementing a scheduler of some sort.

5. I think the biggest thing I have realized is that my anger, frustration, depression, guilt are not the result of someone or something else. It is frustration with my own short comings. And that its OK to not be perfect. That it isn't about perfection it is about progress. 

So here is to progress and the hope that I can find a place where I am the best me and the best mom/wife at the same time.

If Mama ain't happy....

So this blog post started a few days ago when my five year old daughter Haylie made a profound statement, during a simple 30 second conversation.

For about a week Haylie had asked me if we could do a project or paint. My answer was always the same, "We don't have time right now, I have to _____________." Fill in the blank, laundry, dishes, etc, etc. So on that paticular morning I decided that we would do what ever they wanted to. The first thing out of her mouth. Paint! So we gathered all the stuff together and I sat them down still in their pajamas and got them started. And while I really didn't want to do dishes, I knew it would drive me insane if I didn't get them done. So there I stood in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher, and this is the conversation that unfolded.

Haylie: Mom?
Me:Yes
Haylie: Don't you like to paint ?
Me:Yes
Haylie: Does it make you Happy?
Me:Yes
Haylie:Then why aren't you painting with us?

Its that simple isn't ? I think as adults and especially parents we get so caught up in the "to do" list that we forget the simple pleasures in life. Are we taking time to refill our own cup? Or are we always feeling empty and drained?

So I painted, and we listened to music (and that lasted all day). I let them choose what the wanted to eat, we stayed in our pajamas all day. And there was no screaming, no mommy meltdowns, no fighting. Just harmonious creative joy.

When my husband came home, the kids ran and gave him hugs and kisses. And he looked up at me from the onslaught with a wide eyed grin. I simply smiled. He asked how my day had gone and I gave him the run down. And he just stood there staring, "Not one fight?" I smiled and continued to cook dinner (which really was breakfast because that's what the kids wanted).

Later that night after I put the kids to bed (at 9:30 which never happens during the summer), as I enjoyed the silence in my home. I realized a couple of things.

1. Take some time everyday to do something that brings you joy. Am I saying that you should throw all responsibility out the window. No. But take 15-20 minutes everyday and do something/anything that brings you joy.

2. Take time to really listen to your kids. I was amazed at all the different things my five year old wanted to talk or had questions about. I am convinced that she really has a mind of a 20 year old.

3. Take time to take care of yourself. I bet you are as guilty of this as I am you get so busy taking care of all the little things and other people that you don't have time at the end of the day to take care of yourself. Here's what I am saying..... MAKE TIME. If you are on 'empty' all the time, no one is going to be happy least of all you. And our kids feed off of our energy. Like attracts like. If you are happy your kids will in most cases be happy too. Even if they aren't happy I guarantee that your day will be a lot smoother if you are in a good mood. Take care of yourself, your family will thank you.

These are the things I have committed to doing since that day and I can honestly say that it has made a HUGE difference in everyone's attitudes. After all 'If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Wishing you Joy and Happiness....

Blogging all of May - Day 29, 30 and 31

Day 29 - 5 Songs that speak to me...

As most of you that know me will guess this was extremely difficult to choose just 5 songs... this could change on a daily basis.. so for today this is my 5.

1. Cyndi Laupers- Fearless

2. Josh Groban - You raise me up

3.Ani DiFranco - 32 Flavors

4. Pink - Perfect (Clean Version)

5. Katy Perry - Firework

Day 30 - Reacting to the term "Letting Go"

Over the years I have learned that it takes infinitely more energy to hang on to the past. Not saying we should let go of the lessons learned, but more the emotional baggage attached to them. It's not easy to let go. It takes practice. I'm getting plenty of it being a parent.

Day 31 - A vivid memory

One of my most vivid memories is the day my husband asked me to marry him. We hadn't been dating for very long. But hadn't spent more then a day or two apart since we met three months earlier. We were sitting on our porch at our duplex enjoying the summer morning. Talking about our plans. He got really quiet, took my hand in his and said. "Let's get married." I didn't blubber like a normal girl would I simply said "OK." He rushed into the house to get his keys, we drove down to the county office and applied for our license. Two days later we were married. All without telling our families anything. Infact we didn't tell our families for months after the fact. And we have never regretted it. We are coming up on our 7th anniversary, and I can't imagine my life with out him.

Blogging all of May.. Day 26 through 28

Day 26 - Something I read online....

I spend a lot of time online...more than I should. I recently found this blog and it has changed the way I think about technology. I have been spending less time on the computer/phone and more time with the kids.

Day 27 - A letter to readers....

Dear Readers,

Please excuse my typos, my two year old is sitting on my lap. I am still in my pajamas with my hair un-brushed. My house looks like a bomb went off. I am an imperfect mother who is striving to connect with my children and build a bond with them that will last a lifetime. I have made progress and have some pretty hilarious stories from the on going journey I thought I would share. Mostly I write to let my self vent, I want others to know that it's ok to not be perfect. It's ok to have a mommy melt down. It's ok to not be perfect. I hope you have had some fun reading my posts. I have had fun writing them. I hope you will continue to read them even after the 'Blogging all of May' challenge is finished.

Remember to laugh at yourself,  Christina

Day 28 - Only pictures...

Haylie Spring 2009

 Haylie and my niece Coral Summer 2009

Haylie and Baby Clayton 2010

 Sleepy Clayton November 2011

 Family pictures December 2011

 After some summer fun - July 2012

 Scott arrives November 2012

I can't believe how big the kids are getting - December 2012

I love taking pictures of sleeping kids... 

It's so I can remind my self that there were time when they weren't yelling

May 2013

Blogging all of May... Day 21 through 25

Things have been super insane around here the last few days. And most of this blog post has been done for awhile... for some reason I thought I had posted it but apparently not....Sorry for the delay.

Day 21- Favorite posts on my blog.

Honestly I havent done enough posts to have favorites.... but I think this one is my funniest.

Day 22 - Rant about something...

My friend Heather posted this video about the curriculum they are using in the schools. I am so disturbed. While I agree that children need to be made aware of things that are going on in the world I don't feel that a school should be teaching my child how to manipulate people (including me...cause trust me my kids already know how to do that) to get the outcome they want.  I wanted to send my kids to learn to read, write, and do math (with out the socialist agenda attached to it). To love to learn learning. The longer I watched the video the more my heart sank into my stomach. It could be the reason I end up home schooling after kindergarten. Depending on what curriculum I can find that won't blow my mind, patience or wallet.

Day 23 - Something I have learned that they don't teach in school....

That it doesn't really matter how smart you are as long as you look good. Think about it for a minute. More and more what you see in any sort of media is the women (and men) who have done who knows what to look like Greek gods. The ridiculous amount of pressure we place on ourselves to look like models and actors is insane. And it's effecting kids, you see the 'clicks' at schools. I'm not saying we should give up exercise or vegetables ... I'm saying be healthy! Moderation people, it's not good to starve your self! It's not good to starve your mind either! I know that first impressions make a big impact. How ever I have learned to not judge a book by it's cover.

Day 24 - My top 3 worst traits....

1. Procrastinator....I am notoriously waiting to do things until the last minute. Some would says it's because I like the pressure. I would say it's because I get distracted easily.

2. Over Analytical...I tend to think about everything and mentally beat a dead horse. Sometimes it works in my favor but more often then not it just drives me and my husband insane.

3.  Semi-Obsessive... I have a tendency to get obsessive about things, Indians, musics, art, doula work, etc.... and generally when I'm in the obsessive moments I tend to talk about and research nothing else... lol... 

Day 25 - Something someone told me about myself (good or bad)... I received a blessing when I was a teenager (for my LDS friends it was my patriarchal blessing). Anywho, he told me that I would be a ray of sunshine to peoples lives who were dark. I have spent most of my life trying to live up to this.

Blog all of May: Day 20 Getting Real

Day 20: Getting real about what I'm struggling with...

This is hard for me to pick one topic. I feel like I'm struggling with a lot of things these days.

I struggle with my weight, I have struggled with it most of my life. While this is the least I have weighed since I had Haylie it makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to pass my own body image issues on to Haylie. I want to be healthy, not necessarily skinny, just healthy. But I find it hard to do what I know I need to do. It's a matter of getting my head in the game and not getting discouraged.

I struggle with how to raise my children. Am I being too strict? Not strict enough? Am I crushing their little spirits ? How do I teach them respect and patience.

I find my self losing my patience quickly and honestly it's not even something they are doing. It's me, I'm losing patience with myself. Why can't I be better? Go to church more, exercise, do more projects with the kids, help more people, make money to help with bills, have more patience with the kids, be a better wife to my husband, keep the house cleaner and the laundry up to date, help my family more etc. etc.

I struggle with the feeling of losing my identity. This is going to sound terrible. But I sometimes feel like my role as a mother and wife have smothered my individuality as a normal woman. I don't have time to enjoy painting or reading or even listen to the music I really like (because I would want to listen to it as loud as possible and that is not appropriate for children). I can't really start working on becoming a doula because it is more important that I be home with the kids while they are young and need me. I can't really do any of the art endeavors I would like to do because most of my time is spent cleaning, changing diapers and trying to keep everything else together. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and my husband more than life it's self. I just feel as if my tank is a little empty these days, and I'm running on vapors. In a little bit a funk and not really sure how to pull myself out. I'm good at helping other people get out of theirs, why can't I help my self ?