I am not ready for this at all. My oldest is going into first grade tomorrow which means I will be without her during the whole day. I thoroughly enjoyed kindergarten. She was gone long enough for her and her brothers to enjoy each other again when she got home. This is going to be quite the adjustment for us all. I am going to miss her something desperate.
To top it off I'm expecting our 4th bundle of joy, due January 23rd. Which we just found out will be another girl. So in an effort to save to my (and my families) sanity. I have decided that it is time to get my shiz together.
This pregnancy has been different than the others. And before you think it I am fully aware that each pregnancy is different. But for me this had been challenging on a mental and emotional level. I could feel myself pulling back from everyone and everything. No matter what I tried I couldn't stop my self. So while going through this mental and emotional upheaval I have realized a few things (nothing new I am sure). So I'm going to try and blog my way through this next school year and see if that helps me focus and clarify my new-to-me findings.
So here are my thoughts randomly.
1. I do not take care of ME. Most days it takes most of my will power to just keep the kids fed and alive. I rarely spend time anymore doing my hair, make up or for that matter getting dressed (I'm not talking about I'm-going-out-on-the-town kind of prep, I'm talking yes-i-am-a-functioning-adult-and-not-the-walking-dead-even-though-i-feel-like-it kind of prep).
2. I don't eat well. Let's face it, this is a totally up to your definition of "eating well". When I say it I mean. I don't eat consistently. In fact I rarely eat breakfast or lunch. Most of the time I don't eat a real dinner either. Which is detrimental for many reasons. But mostly it causes what my husband lovingly calls the "hangry" syndrome (where you are angry because you are hungry). It also causes me to feel even more nauseated and light headed (duh) than if I had eaten.
3. I don't feel like myself. Like I have forgotten who I am because I am consumed with taking care of these little people. No one tells you when you start having kids that you don't have to loose all of your interests. I noticed during a conversation with an old friend the other day that I have stopped a number of things in my life that I feel are an actual part of what makes me... ME. I'm not saying that your priority should be solely those things or just your children. But that I should be able to incorporate them in with my kids. Like music and art.
4. That as much as I hate to admit it. I NEED to be put on a schedule. My poor hormonally driven pregnancy brain is not equipped to remember the little things and I need to start implementing a scheduler of some sort.
5. I think the biggest thing I have realized is that my anger, frustration, depression, guilt are not the result of someone or something else. It is frustration with my own short comings. And that its OK to not be perfect. That it isn't about perfection it is about progress.
So here is to progress and the hope that I can find a place where I am the best me and the best mom/wife at the same time.
