So this was hard for me... because honestly there are a lot of things that I do that I don't necessarily feel I'm good at. But since I currently have two out of three kids in diapers and one breastfeeding, I chose "How to change two diapers while breastfeeding."
Step 1: Realize that your beautiful baby is starving because you have spent all morning chasing your two year old around the house trying to keep him from hurting himself or burning down the house. Get comfy with your sweet little baby, whip out the girls and start to feed him.
Step 2: Have your two year old climb on your lap, and just as he sits down get the unholy smell that is coming from his pull up. Try not to throw up. This would be upsetting to the baby and the two year.
Step 3: Try to not let the baby fall off of your lap while trying to to get your two year old to get you the wipes and another pull up.
Step 4: After 10 minutes of trying to give directions to your two year old about finding the wipes and pull up you finally get up and carry the baby to your room and lay him the bed so that you can get them yourself.
Step 5: While the baby is screaming (because he is still hungry) chase down your two year old who is running around yelling "poopy bum" through out the house. All the while the girls are flapping everywhere (as there were unstrapped moments before). And have your five year old laughing hysterically at you because "Mom you sound like a flat tire".
Step 6: Now that you have caught your two your old, you should try to catch your breath while still trying not to throw up on him because the smell is so awful it smells like something died. Try to take his pants off while he is bouncing and twisting around on the bed.
Step 7: Get your Boppy out and try to re-latch baby so that he will stop crying while your two year is twisting up like a pretzel. With your one free hand open the nasty diaper only to realize that the wipes are now on the floor. Holler at your five year who is still laughing at flat tire mommy in the other room, to come and hand you the wipes.
Step 8: Finally with wipes in your one free hand, try to clean of the horror that is in your two years old diaper while he sings out "Ewwww nasty poopy bum". At which point your sweet baby yacks on you, and then makes noises that sound like Hiroshima. To which your two year is now singing "Ewwww baby stinky bum".
Step 9: Now that the mess is cleaned off of your two year old, spend at least 5 minutes wrestling him to hold still while you put on a clean/dry pull up. Make sure that he kicks or elbows you in the eye at least once. Spend another 5 minutes trying to get his pants back on. Once your two year old is put back together, you realize that the baby bomb noises have turned into an emergency as his diaper is literally blown out and there is now not only poop running up the baby's back but all over your leg and your arm.
Step 10: Try to send your two year to his room to play with his cars so that you can put your full attention into cleaning up the toxic spill that is all over you and your baby. Only to have him start jumping on the bed. Try to carefully remove the now covered onesie without getting poop in the babies hair or on his face. Fail miserably.
Step 11: Abandon breastfeeding. In fact abandon the wipes. You are now at Def-con 1 disaster. While carrying the baby to the bathroom to just shower off all the poop realize that in the process of taking off his clothes you undid one of the diaper tabs...and there is now pee running down the side of you.
Step 12: Remove the remaining diaper and just step into the shower fully clothed holding the baby, while both the two year old and five year old are laughing at you saying "you don't chower with clothes on'. After everything is rinsed off, get out and leave a trail of wet foot prints all over the floor. Re-diaper the baby and put a fresh onesie on (while getting goose bumps the size of eggs because you are standing in full on soaked clothes). Strip from your own wet clothes and replace with new clean dry clothes.
Step 13: Snuggle up with the baby and start to resume feeding when you realize he has fallen asleep.
And that is how you change two diapers while breastfeeding.
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